Last week, author Justin Barisoposed an innocent question on LinkedInthat ignited debate.
“What do you think of the phrase ‘I’m humbled?’
E.g., “I’m humbled that I’ve just received the award for [best at this thing in my industry that I am pretty awesome at so good I won]…”
Curious to hear your thoughts.
Grammar and vocabulary nerds like me quickly chimed in to express our annoyance that people often use “humbled” when they probably should use the word “honored,” if we’re sticking with the dictionary definitions.
Dozens of others simply condemned the practice, calling it humblebragging.
And a handful of others expressed a desire for some kind of phrase to express surprise and discomfort with a sudden show of attention and a simple phrase that would give credit to those who helped you get there without coming across as arrogant.
This sentiment — coming across as arrogant — seemed to be the chief sin of anyone receiving an award.
One commenter wrote, “Being perceived as egotistical is never seen in a positive light.”
Of course, if half of the world perceives the phrase “I’m humbled” as a sneaky form of bragging,it’s not helping the speaker achieve the goal of not being perceived as arrogant.
This was my contribution to the discussion:
“Receiving an award isn’t a humbling experience. sh*tting your pants is a humbling experience.”
Seriously, if you ever feel like your ego is getting a little overgrown, try eating brownies and then going for a run.
I would agree — who wouldn’t? — that egotism and arrogance are negative traits. But I think that the effort to avoid the appearance of these faults has gone way too far in popular business etiquette. And I think it does real damage to people’s careers. Because they don’t want to seem arrogant, many people in the business world stay quiet when they should speak up. They let their voices be silenced. They don’t allow themselves to celebrate their accomplishments, and they don’t get to reap the boost in confidence that comes with that celebration.
“I’m humbled” vs. “I’m honored”
Let me explain just a little further why honored is the right word, and how accepting an award and celebrating your success can be done with humility.
If I were to win a Pulitzer, that would obviously be a huge honor. It’s a massive award, respected all over the world as the sign of REALLY GOOD journalism.
But if, after I won that Pulitzer, my work was also recognized by my local young professional club, I might not consider that award to be that much of an honor —it doesn’t come with that much prestige, and it seems kind of silly to mention it next to a Pulitzer. In fact, why would I even bother to show up to receive the award?
If I really approached it that way, that would probably reflect that my fame had gone to my head and I didn’t have time for small-time awards anymore. But if I did take the time to show up and accept the award, saying “I’m honored to receive this recognition” would communicate thanks and respect of the time and effort it took for my peers to also recognize my accomplishments. Saying “it’s an honor” means that you don’t view this award as being beneath you.
Saying “I’m humbled” just doesn’t really make sense in any of these situations.
The bigger issue: our discomfort with compliments
Justin’s question clearly touched a nerve, and not just with the grammar nerds. I have a hunch about why.
We don’t know how to accept compliments. In fact, it’s worse than that: We’ve been taught to deflect and reject compliments because our culture is so obsessed with the perception of humility.
As a result, we end up sputtering on stage or on social media with phrases like “I’m humbled” and trying to make sure everyone knows that we’re not egomaniacs, while making sure that they know we got an award.
In light of this miseducation, I’d like to offer three tips for accepting compliments or awards:
- Start with saying “Thank you.” Half the time, that simple response is enough. If you feel that you don’t deserve the compliment — not because you think of yourself as a worthless piece of crap undeserving of any compliments — because someone else deserves the compliment, then point that out. “Thank you, that’s very kind. But actually, the person who really deserves credit on this is SoAndSo.”
- Say “I’m honored.” Viewing something as an honor means you respect the giver of the award or the compliment. You see them as prestigious, and you value their validation. You wouldn’t feel that way if you were an arrogant egomaniac.
- Give credit where credit is due. Call out the people or organizations that made your achievement possible. Don’t make it an exhaustive list, but take the time to name the people who supported you, put their neck out for you, or sacrificed for you.
If you’re truly uncomfortable with being in the spotlight, then keep your comments short and get out of the spotlight quickly. You don’t need to say anything about being uncomfortable, and the state of being uncomfortable in the spotlight is not an affectation that you ought to portray. Some people like being on stage, being the center of attention, and others don’t. There’s no need to place a value judgment on it.
If it’s a surprise, then feel free to say that. It’s kind of fun to surprise people, so let the giver of the award or compliment experience the fun of giving you an unexpected honor.
And if this award or compliment makes you feel good and proud and validated, then say that too! It’s not a bad thing to take pride in the hard work that leads to awesome achievements. In fact, as I wrote last week, I think that’sone of the keys to building confidence.
I’ll close with a few personal examples:
I’m honoredto reach an audience of more than 10,000 people each week on LinkedIn. It makes me feel good that so many people value what I say, and it motivates me to keep writing every week.
I’m humbledwhen a reader points out a typo or formatting error in one of my posts. I’m reminded that everyone needs an editor and I’m absolutely no exception.
I’m honoredwhen someone takes the time to email me after a post — by the way this is a fantastic way to start conversations and grow your network! — because it shows that my post impacted them, and whoever they are, it’s an honor to learn more about their story.
I’m humbledwhen I set a goal to keep up with someone at November Project, and then they breeze past me on the first lap. I remember that the kind of strength and stamina they possess represents years of hard work and dedication, and I aspire to one day achieve that goal.
I’m honoredwhen someone I look up to as a phenomenal journalist agrees to edit my work as a favor to me. That communicates to me that they see value in my work and that they want to help pave the way for my career.
I’m humbledwhen the stories I pitch to editors get politely declined again and again. I remember that success takes preparation, dedication and perseverance.
So there you go. From a woman who considers herself more confident than the average 20-something and the owner of a healthy ego, take this message this week:
Go out and kick butt, take names, revel in your accomplishments, give credit where it’s due, and stop accepting awards with the phrase “I’m humbled!”
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